Chronicles of TVXQDBSK
by remixjojo
Summary: Whichever you prefer: DBSK? TVXQ? All of them in a rendition of Chronicles of Narnia. Just for fun. Don't sue.


Thanks to Becca for the idea (even though she wants to kill us now)

_Thanks to Becca for the idea (even though she wants to kill us now). DBSK are a Korean boy band. Unfortunately we don't own them because if we did this wouldn't be fiction... _

World War 3. Who would have thought it? 5 boys squashed in a train carriage groaned in unison.

"This sucks!" Xiah said "We should be out there making music, selling records and infecting the minds of thousands of Koreans! Not stuck in a stupid train carriage awaiting out fate".

"Well…" U Know began. "We might be sent to live in Timbaland's house or some other important record executive and then it wouldn't be so bad"

"Or we might be sent to live in a dog crate" argued Jae Joong.

U Know frowned. Would it kill them to be just a little bit optimistic?

"Listen, we're not gonna get any happier if we continue arguing, so let's get deal with it Ok?!" cried U Know.

There was silence as the boys realised this fact.

"How about we sing a song to make us feel better" piped up Micky.

For once, U Know was thankful for his childishness.

"Yes" he said "Let's try that."

So they sang.

_Oh, we're so sad __  
__This life is so bad __  
__Stuck on the train __  
__In the pouring rain __  
__Hearts are being broken __  
__Our clothes are soaken __But we're gonna live through this __  
__We're gonna find a way __  
__We're gonna save the day __  
__In our spasticated way __  
_  
After that they all felt better and they cheered up themselves by admiring their voices.

Not much happened in the hours that followed. U Know bossed people around. Xiah accidentally sat on an irritated Jae Joong. Jae Joong promptly hit him with a duck that he grabbed from Micky's hand. Micky started wailing wetting Chang Min's iPod. Something in the iPod reacted to the tears and burst into flames, setting U Know's hair on fire. U Know grabbed the nearest liquid and dunked it on his head, soaking him immediately. Unfortunately, the liquid was alcohol and the flames started to enlarge even more.

When they got off the train, Jae Joong had a frown on his face. Xiah had a duck-shaped bruise on his eye. Micky was crying, holding a headless duck. Chang Min was holding attacking a burnt iPod with screwdriver. And U Know had no hair.

They were standing on a deserted platform.

"Whoa!" cried Chang Min, pointing to a cow "It's Jae Jon's twin!"

He ran towards the cow crying "Come here, come here!"

The cow however, misconstrued this as an act of aggression and charged towards Chang Min, horns out. Chang Min thought the cow was running out of pleasure at finally being reunited with his twin and continued running towards him.

"NO!!!!" U Know shouted. "He's going to smack you"

"What?" cried Chang Min "He's going to hug me? OKAY!!"

Chang Min ran twice as fast, this time with his arms widely stretched out.

The horns hit him squarely in the chest.

He woke up to find all the members looking down on him.

"ARGH!!!" he screamed. "I'm in hell!"

Vaguely offended, the rest of DBSK returned to their previous distractions before Chang Min awoke: Playing Sitar Hero (as this a Korean-based story, I decided to make "Guitar Hero" more...exotic).

A doctor turned to Chang Min. "Right," he said "You have some serious internal bruising and severe bleeding. There is also a strong chance that you might suffer from shock or have concussion." The doctor started towards the door, but paused as he reached it.

"Oh yeah," he said, remembering something "You also fractured many ribs. And your heart has two horned- shaped holes in it"

"Oh my god!" Chang Min screamed "Did something happen to my voice box?!"

"Er..." the doctor hesitated "I don't know, try singing and see what it sounds like." The rest of DBSK turned to look at Chang Min, wondering whether the 5 memebers might have to become 4.

Chang Min opened his mouth. A weird noise, sounding like a walrus, came out of Chang Min. The rest of DBSK sighed in relief.

"Don't worry", U Know said, reassuring the shocked doctor "This is what he usually sounds like"

"Well, if cow-boy here has finished recovering, can we go now?" asked Jae Joong.

"Umm....well" the doctor said "I'm not entirely convinced whether he's fully recovered. I've noticed some weird activity in his brain."

"That's competely normal" Micky said.

"No, no" the doctor began "The results show that he thinks he's a rabbit"

There was silence as they processed this fact.

"That's fine" U Know said eventually "It probably won't make much difference anyway."

Without another word, they walked out of the hospital. Well, U Know, Mickey, Xiah and Jae Joong walked. Chang Min hopped.

"Where are we going now?" asked Xiah.

"Well, first, we're stopping off at the nearest shop so I can buy a wig." U Know insisted "Then we're looking for Country Lane so we can find the house we're gonna be staying in"

"Can't we go to the house first and then you can buy your wig?" suggested Micky.

"No! Wig first, food and shelter later".

They argued all the way down the dirt path.

"Ok, fine" Micky said "But the very FIRST shop we see"

They reached a pet store.

"Well, in you go" Jae Joong pushed U Know in.

As U Know explained the situation to the lady at the counter, who evidently thought they were all maniacs. She agreed to help him. She took him into a store room.

Bored, the rest of DBSK sat around waiting. Chang Min went up to the counter and started sniffing a piece of lettuce. Finding no trace of poisoning, he nibbled it. Micky watched this with mild interest.

"I'm hungry" whinged Chang Min.

"I thought I saw some food over there" said Micky pointing to a door.

Then he watched in amusement and Chang Min ignored the steak on the table and went to a bag of pet food, bit it open and sucked some into his mouth. They were too tiny and choked him.

Coughing and sputtering, he emerged from the room. Xiah, realising he was in trouble, whacked him on the back. Seeing that this method didn't work, he performed the abdomible thrust on him.

Half digested pet food spewed on Jae Joong.

"EWW! GROSS!" Jae Joong had a minor fit, stomping his feet around and shaking his arms trying to get the gunk off him. The monkeys in the cages all thought he was trying to communicate with them, and promptly started to perform the same dance. On of the monkeys chucked a banana at him.

While Jae Joong ranted and screamed, proceeding to try and strangle a monkey (the monkey just hit him on the head with a pineapple. Hard) U Know emerged.

His "wig" made of straw and hay, with pieces of seaweed visible. It was all stuck onto his head with a brown paste that smelled uncomfortably like goat poo.

Ignoring the shocked silence around him, he stalked out of the store. The rest of DBSK regained enough sense to follow him out. Chang Min bounded after him, sniffing at every green thing in sight.

They finally reached Country Lane and walked down it. Chang Min bounced ahead, obviously able to smell something they couldn't. They rounded a corner and found Chang Min happily licking a chicken. The chicken squawked and fluttered, trying to break free of his hold on her. Eventually, the chicken turned around gave him a sharp peck. Outraged, Chang Min screamed and dropped the chicken. The fall broke away the chicken's leg and she hopped away indignantly.

"Come back," Chang Min called "We barely got to know each other".

Then he straightened up and joined the others in looking at the house.

If you could call it a house. It DID look sorta like a house, to a certain extent. It was pink and had huge banners reading "Welcome to Barbie Mansion" plastered on the outside. All of the members stared at in incredulous expressions.

"Oh" Micky began

"My" Xiah continued

"Crap" Jae Joong finished deftly.

"Well, congratulations U Know. Some record executive." He echoed U Know "Well, we're living with the executive of cheesy!"

"Hey!" U Know protested "I didn't choose this house!"

"Oh come on! You expect me to believe that!" Jae Joong scoffed "You're trying to put me through physical and mental TORTURE!"

He paused to take in U Know's outraged expression, letting it fuel him in his rant.

"I know what this is all about!" he continued "You have always been jealous of my foot!"

"What?!" U Know screamed incredulously.

"I'm telling them, U Know!" he screeched dramatically "I'm telling them your most deep hidden secret that you told me and no one else!"

U Know looked terrified, his eyes swelling up to those of a red eyed frog.

"You wouldn't dare." U Know breathed.

"Ha! Watch me"

The rest of DBSK looked eagerly at Jae Joong, holding their breath.

"His pinkie toe!" he screamed finally "He lost his pinkie toe to flesh eating bacteria that he had acquired in his swim in the Congo River!"

"NO!!! THAT'S A LIE!!!" U Know shrieked

"Why don't you prove it?" Jae Joong challenged "Show them, U Know. Show them that you _don't have a pinkie toe!"_

U Know face mimicked Gary Oldman's in 'Dracula'.

"You take that back" he snarled.

"No way, José "Jae Joong face was smug.

U Know fought hard against the tears brimming in his eyes. Seeing this, Jae Joong calmed down a bit and looked understanding. Finally U Know turned to look at his fellow band members again.

"I'm curious," Jae Joong began again "I was wondering if the doctors have said anything regarding if you're going to loose the rest of your foot. And are you afraid of spontaneously combusting because the bacteria's reached all the way to your heart?"

U Know took a deep breath, steadying himself.

"It's really hard for me to talk about this" he said in a small, strained voice "They've said my balance is going to be off for sure. I'm looking for a walking stick."

"I didn't realise that one toe could put off the balance of your whole body." Jae Joong was grave.

U Know looked close to tears.

"I just wanted to swim" he said finally "I was on vacation".

"I understand" Jae Joong responded "I mean, Africa dude, stuff happens."

U Know nodded sadly.

"I have another question," he pondered "In addition to your flesh eating bacteria that may or may not take the rest of your body, I heard that your vocal chords are –"he trailed off speculatively.

"Ok, I just want to clear this up right now and say yes, yeah, the vocal chords I have right now aren't the ones I was born with." U Know declared.

He continued "But I don't think there's anything wrong with that"

"Well, what ones are they, like, are they robotic?" Xiah asked.

"No, no they're a water buffalo's" U Know corrected "I gave my vocal chords to a water buffalo, he gave me his. We traded."

The rest of DBSK tried to keep their facial expressions under control while they processed these new surprising facts.

"Can we go in now?" Chang Min whined "I wanna see the chicken again!"

He impatiently hopped into the mansion and stopped dead.

With terrified eyes he turned to his bad members, with shock plainly visible in his petrified eyes…

"Oh my god!" he screamed "It's hideous!"

A girl with a soppy expression and a huge smile on her face stared back at them all.

"Hi" she introduced herself, ignoring Chang Min's previous comment, "My name's Hye Yun Park, but you can call me Becca".

The rest of DBSK stared back at her.

"Are you our evacuees?" she asked finally.

The rest of DBSK continued to stare back at her.

"Do you want to see your rooms?"

DBSK still stared back at her.

"Can you talk?" she asked them slowly.

This comment broke through their horrified stupor.

"Of course we talk, what do you think we are?" Xiah asked angrily.

"I'M a rabbit" Chang Min told her proudly.

Becca looked puzzled.

"It's a long story" Micky said.

Jae Joong suddenly ran some fingers through his hair, making it look more like the top of a turnip and smiled a dazzling smile at her.

Realising he reminded her of Jan in "The Brain That Wouldn't Die" she looked hurriedly away and proceeded to pick up a bag.

"Why don't you follow me to your rooms" she said.

As they walked through the house, they noticed the rooms got progressively pinker and altogether creepier.

"What is this place, anyway?" U Know asked.

Becca gasped. "What planet did you live on?"

"I lived in a burrow" Chang Min declared smugly.

Becca looked taken aback for a moment. "Can't you see it?"

"See what?" U Know asked

"The bunnies, the pinkness, the fluffy cushions…" she hinted.

DBSK: "…"

"YOU'RE IN THE PLAYBOY MANSION!"

They all passed out at that point.

They awoke in a pink fluffy room. Realising this, they passed out again.

U Know sort of awoke. You know that time when you're not actually asleep but you're conscious that you're awake, but your eyes aren't open. That was what U Know was in right now. He tried to fall asleep again. Failing, he proceeded to try and remember what had happened in the past few hours. However, being one of the members of DBSK, intellect was not one of his prizing features.

He swore and woke up wide awake. Jae Joong was leaning on him, so when U Know woke up, he dislodged Jae Joong, who fell on top of Micky, whose hand shot out and hit Xiah, who rolled on top of Chang Min, who swallowed his teddy. Choking and spluttering, he woke up screaming.

Seeing the room he was in, Chang Min proceeded to scream even more.

"ARGH!!! WHERE AM ----"Jae Joong shoved a pillow in his mouth.

"Shut up!" U Know whispered angrily "Do you want them to come in here?"

"Er, YES!" Chang Min snarled "That way they can tell me where to find the chicken again"

"NO!" U Know hissed "That way they can make us do girly pink stuff. God, how stupid are you?"

Chang Min back-pedalled: "I knew THAT" Chang Min scoffed "I was gonna shove a pillow in my own mouth."

Frowning, U Know stood up. He inspected the room, looking under pillows and outside of windows.

"We have to find a way to escape" he explained finally "Right now I'm thinking heading out the fire escape"

"Ok Nancy Drew," Jae Joong mocked "Next we can hunt for clues and secret passage ways."

"That's an excellent idea!" U Know exclaimed "Xiah, look behind the bookcases. Chang Min, rifle through the drawers to perceive if any clues are hidden within"

"Yes sir!" Chang Min cried eagerly. Then he looked confused. "Wait, what does that mean?"

U Know sighed "Chang Min, tell Micky to rifle through the drawers to perceive if any clues are hidden within."

"I'm sorry" Micky said "I don't get what you just said either"

"Argh!" U Know shrieked "Don't any of you have brains?!"

"Of course not, we're DBSK" Jae Joong explained seriously.

"Just go through the drawers!" U Know screamed exasperated.

There was a pause.

"Isn't that illegal?"

U Know resembled an angry bull. Literally smoke was flowing out of his uneven nostrils.

Jae Joong held U Know back from strangling Chang Min.

"Ok, just go through the drawers, Xiah check the bookcase and U Know and I will go though the cabinets."

They started their jobs.

"Hey!" Chang Min called out. "Look what I found! It's a slingshot!"

No one was interested enough to look at him. Offended, he picked something else up from the drawer and proceeded to sling it at Jae Joong, to get their attention. He pulled the string back and fired.

"OW!" something small and white flew into Jae Joong's open mouth. Spitting it out, he cried "Ew! What is it?!"

U Know picked it up. Realising what it was, he immediately dropped it. "It's a tampon!"

Sounds of laughter filled the room.

"Ha ha! Jae Joong just ate a tampon!"

Sounds of rage filled the room.

"You're gonna pay for that!" he screamed.

Sounds of pain filled the room.

Suddenly a thought came to Jae Joong, something which doesn't happen often. Releasing Xiah from the headlock he had him in, he turned to Chang Min with rage in his eyes.

"Show me the slingshot" he snarled.

Chang Min happily held up a bright pink thong.

The "Sounds Cycle" continued again.

When it had finally stopped, and Chang Min had two toothpicks shoved up his nostrils, Xiah shouted out:

"OHMIGOSH!" he squealed "LOOK AT THIS!


End file.
